623 – Mike Schmidt

Released 4/14/2010

Pardcast.com message board for this episode

Intro: 201st episode. Jimmy’s nanny lies about the weather

2:10 We finally got an intern: Dan Katz. Keep it quiet.

2:30 Eliot Hochberg is less of a Jew than you think

2:50 Eliot saw 4 Batman movies

3:15 Jimmy doesn’t care how many Batman movies Matt has seen

3:30 Despite the complaints of not being able to hear him, Eliot will not be getting a microphone

Mike Schmidt

4:00 The former third baseman, from playing at a softball game

4:45 Let’s get any weirdness out the way

5:00 Jimmy and Mike did a podcast in 1996

5:45 The tragedy of Andrew reminds us life is too short

6:00 Jimmy and Mike have hung out, just not doing podcasts together

6:20 Matt wants to know the third gym story from 3 years ago

6:40 “What I’m getting is that Andrew did not want me on the show!”

7:00 Plugging The 40 Year Old Boy

7:20 Fucking* [1]

7:35 Fuck* [2]

7:45 Baseball Mike Schmidt is a dick and Mike’s hero

8:00 Fuckin* [3]

8:10 Old timey baseball drug use

8:45 Jimmy’s sudden reset

9:00 Jack Nicklaus, hero or snooze?

9:30 Baseball heroes

10:45 Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer

11:40 Tom Watson and racism

12:05 Fuckin’* [4]

12:30 Is Jimmy fake-laughing guy who resets?

13:00 Spoiling sports outcomes

13:20 Fuck!* [5]

Jimmy and Matt

13:35 Mike’s fuckin’* information fetish got cured [6]

13:50 Fuckin’* Giants beat the Packers! [7]

13:55 Jimmy doubts that Mike punched a fuckin’* hole in a guy’s sternum [8]

14:15 Tiger falls apart in the Masters

14:45 Mickelson, The Real Family Man

15:15 Internet allegations of infidelity

15:40 Fuckin’* scumbag [9]

15:50 What’s in the Golden Bear beverage?

16:00 Mango is in everything

16:30 Jimmy meets Chris Kattan on the street

16:45 Chris Kattan, wan and wee

Freestanding cheese

17:24 Kim Bluhlahalla and Jay P. Spaulding sent gifts

17:45 Jimmy wants his cheese kept cool

18:00 Schmidt doesn’t like a freestanding cheese

18:50 Fuckin’* [10]

19:20 Eddie Griffin is the one voice Jimmy can’t do

19:45 Fuckin’* three iron [11]

20:00 A fake reset

20:10 Mike doesn’t even fuckin’* breath on the 40 Year Old Boy [12]

20:20 It’s a marathon, not a sprint

20:35 What the fuck?* [13]

20:45 “I should be apologizing for cheating on my wife with that many fuckin’* cameras in my face.” [14]

20:55 Sing along with Jimmy: Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

21:00 Matt deconstructs a Lady Gaga song

21:30 Matt almost goes dirty. And does.

21:45 Jimmy demonstrates how offensive he thought Matt was going to be

22:35 Of The Three Stooges, Mike hates fuckin’* Shemp [15]

22:50 Curly’s a genius

23:00 Mike calls Jimmy out on his fake-hatred of The Three Stooges

23:20 “Fuck* you!… And I don’t mean fuck* you in that context…” [16, 17]

23:30 Mike might be 2% right

24:05 The Golden Bear drink shouldn’t be like fuckin’* egg nog or pancake batter [18]

24:20 We should yell “Fore” for racism in honor of Mr. Watson

25:00 Amos ‘n’ Andy were white guys?

25:30 Mike tries to hijack the intern

25:45 The bottled Arnold Palmer in the supermarket

26:22 Dan gives the entire history of racist radio while not on mic

26:45 An intern was a mistake

27:15 Where does Jimmy get the best buy?

27:40 Got some rain outside

27:45 Slash’s new CD is terrific

28:50 Slash and Fergie did Sweet Child o’ Mine at the Rose Bowl

29:15 Mike Seigel’s face value

29:30 Alter Bridge on the Slash CD

29:45 Wolfmother’s sophomore slump

30:20 Sing along with Jimmy: Woman (Wolfmother)

30:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Brick House (Commodores)

31:40 Dan knows that he is not Matt’s friend

32:00 Complaints about the intern’s ability to purchase water

32:30 Matt gets too excited about his correct guess

32:55 Sing along with Jimmy: Let it Whip (The Dazz Band)

33:10 Sing along with Jimmy: Holy Diver (Dio)

33:30 The golf connections confuse Matt

34:00 No lobster strips from 7-11

34:20 Matt likes the 7-11 turkey sandwich

34:40 Try the Thanksgiving turkey sandwich

34:50 Mike doesn’t want his Thanksgiving feast in one fuckin’* pile [19]

34:55 Didn’t we talk about this?

35:00 NeverNotNotes.com isn’t in season one yet!

35:10 “C’mon Darryl, pick it up!”

35:15 “Yeah, that’s Darryl Asher”

35:20 “Darryl’s doing a great job”

35:30 Jimmy likes to see the weather and how he’s feeling

35:40 Mike’s fans LeAnna and Hannah sent him to this site

35:45 “So they’re ripping off Darryl?”

35:50 “Darryl, copyright infringement!”

35:55 “Darryl, this LeAnna is… you’re gonna get a coupla bucks.”

36:00 “That’s disrespectful to Darryl.”

36:05 The business of show notes is booming!

36:10 “Darryl and Dan don’t get any money.” [I get paid in shout-outs. Jimmy is prepaying for the year.]

36:25 “I think he has a logo for when we talk about him” [Why, yes. Yes I do, Matt.]

36:30 Darryl gets shivved by Schmidt

36:35 “He’s a good man, Darryl Asher!” [OK, now you're just doing this on purpose.]

36:40 “Are we gonna see the daughter in a couple weeks?” [Yes, she will be at MaxFunCon.]

36:45 “How tight are you with this fuckin’* guy?” [20]

36:55 “Relationship’s a strong word”

37:00 “I apologize Darryl…” [No apology needed. Relationship is a strong word.]

Darryl's daughter. Crystalinne.

37:15 “It’s a big help… no?”

37:40 Mike wishes LeAnna all the luck in the fuckin’* world [21]

37:50 Jimmy would only do the first half if he got paid to do the second half

38:20 Handling phones makes good radio

38:55 An interview with Willamette Week in Portland

39:30 We should probably plug Bridgetown Comedy Festival, which is what we are now doing

40:00 Jimmy’s update of the Paul Hardcastle Nineteen song: Th-Th-Th-Thissss.

40:05 “And Darryl just put an icon down for Paul Hardcastle Nineteen”

40:15 Mike implies that Jimmy lied about their hanging out

40:55 Jimmy wins at poker, yet loses

42:05 Jimmy got fuckin’* waylaid the rest of the night [22]

42:15 The poker players all broke into fuckin’* giggles [23]

42:45 “Is there an icon for Kenny Rogers?”

The KFC Double Down

43:30 The double-down fuckin’* sandwich is a joke that Mike used to do [24]

43:40 Jimmy is boycotting KFC

44:23 “What the fuck?*” [25]

44:30 Mike is of the opinion that the fuckin’* Lord gave us domain over the fuckin’* animals [26, 27]

44:35 We fuckin’* put cheese on chickens and eat them [28]

44:45 “We’re the bigger man!”

44:50 (A stray fuckin’*) [29]

45:00 Show a fuckin’* chicken who’s boss! [30]

45:05 Fuckin’* [31]

45:15 Fuck* these things [32]

46:00 The double down is served in a sleeve

46:45 Eliot and Mike like a Monte Christo but some people fuck* it up [33]

48:30 They are nice to the fuckin’*chickens that are used in the Pizza wings [34]

48:45 Jimmy talks himself back into denial

49:00 Good pizza doesn’t deliver

50:00 That guy shows up at fuckin’* football games handing out pizza! [35]

50:30 Dan is very good at Googling

50:45 Mike mocks Jimmy’s giving the weather report when he fuckin’* left the house [36]

51:30 Panda Express is worse than the way they have it all laid out on the tray!

52:00 Ryan’s Steakhouse has changed over the years

52:45 Eating at a buffet

53:00 Mike is not a fan of Applebees, the MadLibs of food. (fuckin’* … fuckin’*) [37, 38]

53:30 “That’s what the fuckin’* chart said!” [39]

53:35 Mike should fuckin’* go to Applebees for the Pepperjack Hare [40]

53:45 Mike had rabbit at Bobby Flay’s in Vegas

54:15 “We just ate Looney Tunes!” (and fuckin’* beef) [41]

54:25 “Hot Fudd Sundae”

54:30 Sitting alone and eating in a restaurant

54:55 Mike doesn’t want a fuckin’* conversation with Ethel fuckin’* chewin’ gum, or a fuckin’* friend [42, 43, 44]

55:45 The guy at Mel’s Diner: bad waffles and napkins

56:50 “How do you fuck* up a waffle?” [45]

57:15 Matt is enthralled by The Big Boy’s teddy bear waffle iron

58:30 Break time!

Not an actual item.

58:45 Mike wants to know how the NNF numbering system works

59:45 Mike and Jimmy are both in Calvin Klein jogging jackets

1:00:00 Mike is jealous of Jimmy’s box of fuckin’ free stuff [46]

1:00:30 Jimmy’s game: Guess how this ends

1:00:45 Jimmy reminds Mike he got fired from a free podcast

1:01:00 How Jimmy snubbed someone greeting him in the airport

1:02:00: Side story: Don’t go potty during the safety announcements

1:03:20 Jimmy should show how he feels about all the fuckin’* people in coach [47]

1:04:00 Jimmy loves a good alcohol-fueled mingling party

1:04:30 Transcript this for the record: JIMMY SAYS GLEE SUCKS!!!!

1:05:25 Mike thinks Glee is fuckin’* horrendous [48]

1:05:45 Jane Lynch is very good as Jane Lynch

1:06:30 Here’s begins the greatest hits collection

1:06:35 Sing along with Jimmy: California Dreamin’ (The Mamas and the Papas)

1:06:45 Sing along with Jimmy: If You’re Going to San Francisco (Scott McKenzie)

1:06:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Summer in the City (Lovin’ Spoonful)

1:06:55 Sing along with Jimmy: I’m on the Road Again (Canned Heat)

1:07:00 Sing along with Jimmy: Goin’ up the Country (Canned Heat)

1:07:10 Jimmy wants the Time-Life videos from the commercial

1:07:16 Mike’s wife records the commercials for fuckin’* records [49]

1:08:00 Matt discusses The T.A.M.I show DVD and gets sidelined by a phone ringing

1:08:35 Sing along with Jimmy: Incense and Peppermints (Strawberry Alarm Clock)

1:09:10 Jimmy and Mike’s BluRay players

1:09:25 Matt out-nerds Jimmy and Mike in regards to BluRay

1:09:50 Mike discusses Jimmy’s timer technique

1:10:00 75.2 degrees inside

1:10:10 Matt picks at Mike’s scabs

1:10:25 Mike discusses Jimmy’s email methodology

1:11:00 We don’t really want to talk about it

1:11:25 Mike thinks Jimmy and Matt are fuckin’* famous [50]

1:11:45 By the way, NNF was featured in the recent Fast Company magazine

1:12:00 Back to the bathroom story, and have still not finished the game mentioned earlier

1:12:20 It’s Caligula up in first class

1:14:15 Jimmy couldn’t make a fuss on the plane, or he’d be the next fuckin’* shoe-bomber [51]

1:14:30 The crew would lose their fuckin’* minds if Jimmy was uncooperative [52]

1:14:40 “Diplomatic immunity!!!”

1:14:45 “Fuck* them! Flying waitress!” [53]

1:15:00 Mike thinks they should provide a cocksponge which they then fuckin’* wring out [54]

1:15:10 Jimmy goes back to what he was afraid Matt was going to sing

1:15:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Paparazzi (Lady Gaga) [Already linked it above! You don't want to watch it again.]

1:15:55 “You remember Lightning Situation”

1:16:00 “Try doing it alone!”

1:16:25 Sing along with Jimmy: Incense and Peppermints [Linked already. Once is enough.]

1:16:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Signs (Five Man Electrical Band)

1:16:45 iTunes killed the Time-Life greatest hits collections sales

1:16:55 “I’ll see if they have anything in the Books About the Moon department”

1:17:05 Kevin Cronin and a lady sell ballads

1:17:50 From records to fuckin’ Indian jewelry [55]

1:18:50 Back to “How does this end?”

1:20:00 “Where you tryin’ ta git to? Not that it’s any of my business!”

1:21:00 Jimmy gets shivved by a stranger

1:22:00 Crazy fuckin’* hat [56 ]

1:22:20 Guess Who’s on the Plane?

1:22:40 Mike wants to know about the intern interview process

1:23:00 Jamba Juice brings out the rage in Jimmy

1:23:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Lighting Strikes Again (Lou Christie)

1:23:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Kung Fu Fighting (Carl Douglas)

1:24:00 Sing along with Jimmy: Brandi You’re a Fine Girl (Looking Glass)

1:24:15 Sing along with Jimmy: Greased Lighting (Grease)

1:24:30 Jimmy tries to convince himself he’s not really mad at Eliot

1:24:50 Back to Guess Who’s on the Plane?

1:25:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Weatherman Says (Jack Wagner)

1:25:35 Sing along with Jimmy: All I Need (Jack Wagner)

1:25:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Lighting up the Night [What? I'm too tired to look this up]

1:26:20 Bill Paxton is handsome and his clothes hang on him beautifully

1:26:55 Mike is overly concerned with Jimmy’s phone calls

1:27:20 Sing along with Jimmy: Jenny 867-5309 (Tommy Tutone)

1:27:25 Sing along with Jimmy: Talking in Your Sleep (Romantics)

1:27:35 Sing along with Jimmy: Take on Me (A-Ha)

1:27:55 A rare re-appearance of Obvious Trivia: What famous Barry Manilow song did he, ironically, not write?

1:28:05 “If Darryl has not put this, it’s one of those Obvious Trivias”

1:28:20 Who really wrote Fight for your Right to Party?

1:28:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Fight for your Right to Party (Beastie Boys)

1:28:45 Jimmy gets Barry Manilow’s autograph on The Tonight Show

1:29:10 Manilow is fried to a fuckin’* crisp by tanning beds [57]

1:30:15 Pat and Jimmy’s autograph seeking technique

1:30:40 Sing along with Jimmy: Take Your Time (SOS Band)

1:31:00 Martha Wash’s beautiful vocals and lack of photogenics

1:31:45 What a joy!

1:31:55 Plugs mikeschmidtcomedy.com; twitter/the40yearoldboy; facebook/the40yearoldboy

1:32:45 Mike’s sincere thanks to Matt and Jimmy for having a show

1:33:00 “We fuckin’ invented this!” [58]

1:33:00 Jimmy is the fuckin’* bulldozer, fuck* [59, 60]

[Mike's total fuck-count: 60]*

1:33:30 Three white guys talkin’

1:33:45 Why Mike has the format he does

1:34:40 Dan, don’t think this didn’t go as smoothly as you think it did

1:35:00 Lashing out at good looking Dan

1:35:15 Eliot’s site is indhd.com

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

1:35:35 The Devil Went Down to Gerogia!

1:35:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Goodnight Saigon (Billy Joel)

1:35:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Mississippi Queen (Mountain)

1:36:00 Time-Life Books presents songs about mountains

AK-47 gone, not forgotten!

*[Don't punch a hole in my fuckin' sternum, Mike. Pat Francis asked me to do the fuck-count.]

19 thoughts on “623 – Mike Schmidt

  1. Pingback: Never Not Funny welcomes Mike Schmidt « NeverNotNotes.com

  2. Superb job as usual, Darryl…just a minor nitpick: it’s the T.A.M.I show not Tammy…. (Teen Age Music International concert or Teenage Awards Music International hell, THEY couldn’t even make up their minds….

    Keep up the great work!

    • Nit-pick noted and corrected, Hugginator! Thanks! All nit-picks and corrections are welcome.

      I usually do a little Googling for things I’m not sure about, but in this case I was too busy counting f-words and linking the Sing alongs to YouTube that I had to throw in the towel!

      Thanks for the kind words. Glad you enjoy the site.

  3. Wow Darryl, this episode literally has your name and face written all over it. What’s it gonna take to make that Darryl shout out tee a reality? In the future whenever you’re referenced on the show, Eliot can just cut to the shirt. “Shirt cam shout out!” They would say. Nobody is or will ever say that.

    This site really is remarkable Darryl. Keep it up you’re doing god’s work.

  4. Darryl:

    This was my favorite Never Not Notes episode to read! I was so excited for you when Jimmy/Matt/Mike kept referring to you because I knew you’d get to put your shout out icon on the time stamp every time.

    Love the site! :)

    • Thanks tons, Jilly. Glad you enjoy the site!

      I don’t want to place too much importance on the shout-outs. They are just the only thing that gives my life meaning.

      No pressure, though, guys.

  5. Someone needs to tell Jimmy that the way to remember how to pronounce the Willamette (river, which it’s named after) Week is that it rhymes with “Dammit”. Wil-lam-it dammit!

    • That’s a good mnemonic! I’d pronounce it Willa-MET if left to my own devices. Let’s see if it works for Jimmy!

      Good to see a familiar face drop by. See you in a couple weeks!

  6. I loved the notes and the links (I don’t always know the songs they refer to, so this is VERY helpful to my continuing cultural education). . Very funny brief summarizations, too!
    And I also have always apparently incorrectly thought it was Willa MET — (there are some great pinot gris wines from that valley).

  7. Darryl,
    This is the most genius thing ever.

    One question: Is there a Rainbow Bridge icon? I didn’t see one anywhere. I could be wrong, tho…

    (Mike says, “I’m gonna have to get someone from Rainbow Bridge to run the transcripts…” at 22:35. That was brilliant! And the name lends itself to a great graphic…)

    Love all the details & the links! This is really nicely done!

    • Hi jinbug, thanks for the nice words!

      You are correct: there is not (yet) a Rainbow Bridge icon. It came up a lot in earlier seasons, but not so much lately.

      There’s a very precise method I use when determining which topics get icons. The formula involves: 1) The frequency of the topic; 2) how funny I think the icon will be; 3) how drunk I am when working on the notes; 4) how much patience I have with just getting them done and ready for reading.

      Be assured that your suggestion has been put before the Never Not Notes Steering Committee, and will be considered.

      Thanks again!

  8. Darryl, finally followed your link from the MF forums. This is pretty damned funny, I love the “sing along with Jimmy” and the Pardo Health Meter. I remember that one season where he had leg problems, a persistent cold, a headache, and something else all in a row and thinking that someone should keep track of all that. How anything for the “Sweep of the out of town scoreboard”?

    I also never realized just how many sing-alongs there were. Good stuff man, good stuff.

    • Thanks Ronnie, glad you like it.

      As far as the sweep of the scoreboards, he never actually gets to the sweep of the scoreboards, so no icon!

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